Saturday, November 19, 2011

Defining "my one true love"

I am in one of those thoughtful moods. I just hurt someone i think due to not dating them. However here are my thoughts on dating.
I am now almost 25 years old and have gone on probably around 100 first dates now. I tried to count once and got lost in the 50s. The number not the decade. Anyways so I feel like for each individual we formulate our own definitions. For example if you ask someone to define faith as completely as they can, then they will define it as they have come to understand it through personal experience and background. For this reason a catholic or an evangelist, or a member of the church would all have very different definitions of faith, but even within those faiths everyone's definition will differ slightly.
I see dating a similar thing. I to be honest am looking for the girl i want to spend the rest of eternity with, a woman who falls under the definition of a wife. I have dating so many unique girls, each with amazing attributes and personalities. I could have probably married many of them, but after so many dates i refine my definition of the term "my wife" and not "wife" in general.
I have a special mold and not ever girl fits that mold perfectly. "My wife" needs to be specific to me and I to her. She will have a specific definition, one that is already mostly complete, but wont be completed fully until the day i meet her. In that day i will have the definition for a girl that is perfect for me.
I do want to get married and be special and be the one and only to someone forever. And i want them to feel the same way. I asked my dad once why it always seems that one person is more invested then the other in a relationship. He told me that it is always that way, until the day you meet the one who completes you. I think there is so much truth in that. I dated a girl who for some reason I felt an incredible urge to show her i cared for her. It was a natural feeling to do everything and speak every love language to her. I ended up being more invested then her, but I hope to find a girl again that i feel that same way about. I loved who i was around her, because she made me a better person and i was selfless.
Another feeling that tends to be there or not is the feeling of emotional safety. It is one thing to feel physically safe or even spiritually safe around someone, because those are more evident forms of safety that can easily be seen if they are present or not by the way they act. If they keep curfew and dress standards at school then that is one sign that they are spiritually safe. If you can be around a person and they aren't physically aggressive and are forcing kisses on you, then you can trust them to be physically safe towards you. However emotional safety is just kind of a feeling that is there or not when you are around someone. I feel emotionally safe with all my family members and i feel i can share however i am feeling with them, and they will comfort me and will take how i am feeling seriously. I have dated a few girls that i have felt this same emotional safety towards. I can tell them anything even though i hardly know them. It is a rare thing, but this also has become part on my definition of my perfect girl.
I know looks and being fit is important to me, and i know it is vain. However they are really just important in the beginning when i go to pursue a girl. With time in knowing a girl looks loose their importance and become less a priority. They are still important, but the list order changes as I know a girl longer. If they fit the definition of "My wife" they fit the later definition rather then the first definition. I don't know if that makes sense at all, but I have a different definition for how a perfect girl should be in the beginning when we first start dating, and then I only know how my list is suppose to change as i get to know the girl, and the expectations i have for her as part of the definition.
So I only know my definition and most of the definition lies in the feelings i have in my heart when i am with the girl and the feeling i have towards her. So if a girl is more invested than me or if I don't feel the 100% emotional safety around someone, than i don't pursue it more. I feel this is my most appropriate way of searching without hurting people. I have to hurt girls and so at first sign of a different or off definition, then I call it off. I feel bad, but it is the best way i know about going about it. I am getting old though and i am still single and a faulty approach could be part of it. I know that I will meet her one day, and that i will be complete that day. Dating is definitely tough, but i guess in all becomes worth it in the end.

1 comment:

  1. You did a great job explaining this. I loved it. After raising you all these years and seeing what an awesome man you have grown into, I know whoever ends up with you is going to a very very lucky girl.