Friday, April 29, 2011

A drama ward!

   The title makes it sound like a drama institution. Like a psycho ward or something. Which there is one close by with a bunch of scitzos and bipolars. My friends mom used to work there and told us about patients getting mad at others for squishing little people. One guy thought his next door neighbor was sneaking over while he was at work and putting gum in his dogs hair. The crazy part is that his neighbor wasn't doing it, but he himself was! I am sure you already saw the climax of that story coming so I added an exclamation mark that I hope you enjoy. I was wondering what it would be like if everyone instead of talking using mostly periods started talking using exclamation marks for everything. Like, I am going to the bathroom! I am sitting! Life would definitely be more happening!!!
    So under request I was told i should sum up the drama in my singles ward, because it is so exciting. I will change names however to protect identities. First off with Jack Weatherby nothing is going on since dating doesn't tickle his fancy much and since nursing school takes up all his time. His brother Wow Weatherby is in a land of yams, but yam is not what he wants and so he doesn't eat, but he dreams of going to a far off land where he can find Everlasting Gobstoppers of his liking. Soon we will go on this journey, because I am not a fan of Yams either. My situation is fun. I will call myself "tterB" to protect my identity. Tterb is this stud that is bad at the whole fishing game. Failed in his youth to catch fish and after a while of fishing good, has decided that this is not his sport. He would prefer to just hunt animals that prey upon him. In more simplistic terms, the girl do the work, because he needs a nap. All cozy in his hammock of single life, something pretty amazing has to come along to talk him out of it.
   Another individual we will call Easy Cheese, moved out of the land of yams to a more bountiful land. Good job Easy Cheese, but you need to still hang out with me.
   NOW for the fun stuff. A small boy by the name of Will Dallstrom is the chick magnet. He must sweat Diesel cologne or something for all the girls he attracts. He is in a triangle of confusion. If it were a stop light, he would be yellow. So he let Taylor Swift ride in his truck. She rode in the back seat till she left for education, then she jumped in the bed of the truck. Well she is back and wants the drivers seat, but I am sitting there along with the other guys and Dallon is not sure he wants to tell us to get in the back seat. This Cadid Nutrasweet is stuck on the consul (the thing between the drivers seat and the passengers seat, where you hide your candy and glasses in) and wants everyone to sit in seats that will make them happy.
    Now Weaver Boy is dating and happy, because well he is dating. Same with the Weatherby's adopted brother Tetris. He is going to weld a side car on his motorcycle. He is getting hitched.
    Sir Breaksalot is out fishing daily and having lots of success. I don't know if he keeps them all in the same cooler or if he is throwing some back, but he loves fishing now. He likes to flex and  get freckles to impress his fish. He is impressive, especially since he fishes from a stationary bike that is always pedaling. Wow go Sir Breaksalot.
    So that about sums it up. Everyone else is just floating on a wavy lake and getting rained on, but that covers the ones i wanted to. So drama is fun and hopefully it keeps up, and hopefully I get to hunt a cute fun bear that is charging me. I am going to a dance tonight and i am putting on my flirt shirt, party pants, and smooth shoes. Bring on the bears:-).
    Peace out all.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Choir skills = Zilch

Zilch means "none". So Zilch is from people combining "Zero" and "Nil". And who knows who added the "ch". Maybe it was "Ch"ris. Google just taught me that and good thing too, because i am guaranteed to sound smart when i whip out zilch history in the future. Oh and Nil is Latin of course since they created all words or so word history wants us to believe. Where did they get it from? Oh but nil is short for nihil. So when you play soccer next time tell everyone after you score that it is now one nihil, or one zilch, or one nothing. All will do!
     Choir time!!! So i couldn't wait to tell my choir story. So in high school I joined choir with some friends and I knew i was bad. My range or four notes made a huge impact on quality in that choir, and it wasn't for the better. I got put in at monotone base, which is a base with no range. That is what i refer to my singing voice as.
     There was this test we took, where he would go up and down on the piano one note at a time. We were supposed to write the notes down. Most people got them all right, but i usually got like 2 out of 20 because i guessed lucky.
Me crying after I was told
I couldn't sing good.
    So one day i decided to sing louder then normal, and put all my heart into it. My teacher kept pulling faces, but i thought it was a sore stomach or a face spasm. Then all of a sudden he calls out my name and says, "Brett, if you can't hit the notes don't sing." Well i thought i was hitting all the notes, but i guess wasn't. So i mouthed the words for the rest of the day and he complimented me after that. So i guess my silence is preferred in choir.
An audience that heard
me, but tried not to:-)
     I sang in the future just out of spite which is a funny idea. We changed to words of like every song to funny things. We would insert our own names and say "the hammer of Justine" instead of "the hammer of Justice". Or we sang "to all of Brett's mothers" instead of "to all of my brother". We sang that because people think i have like 10 moms because I am Mormon. P.S. I only have one and one sixteenths mothers. One sixteenths covers any estrogen my dad might produce, which is normal for guys i think. My point is that the teacher never noticed us changing the words, but he noticed me missing all the notes. Sad day.
     Really Choir is not for me in so many ways. Monotone and tone deft and antsy are just a few of the many reasons. I passed out during DARE (Drugs are really evil) graduation while singing, because i locked my knees. I fail at singing. So i passed high school choir because I brought in a box of Kleenexes. Who ever said extra credit wasn't worth it was wrong. Tissues saved my grade.
    So now I go to church and this girl keeps trying to talk me into joining choir. Every week i retell my music history and she just doesn't know how bad I am. On "Rockband" i get booed off so fast which takes talent to do. So anyways i tell the girl that I was meant to be a music listener, I was foreordained to it. I tell her that if everyone in the congregation joined the choir, it would defeat the purpose because it would be like singing a normal hymn where everyone stands up in their seats. So i continue my fight against singing.
    I have other stories which portray my talent as terrible even more, but that should be sufficient. I just think Haley stole all my musical talents as a kid and left me bare and desolate.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Easter Begs Eggs!

Not me but i like his egg. Easter needs
to adopt bigger eggs.
So i got chewed out today and this whole week about not being in the Easter spirit. And when my mom refers to the easter spirit, it is the one with painting eggs and loving the easter bunny. So even though Easter was several days ago, she is still trying to persuade me to paint an egg and be creative. I told her that i wasn't creative, but she insisted that I was because i was wearing an orange shirt, that i didn't design or sow together. So then i brought up my artistic brother Cory and how creative he is and the fact that he wears boring colors like black and stuff. She then said that he isn't creative then. So I noted in my mind that I can't wear colorful shirts anymore or i might give people the wrong idea and have them believe i am creative or something.
Mom thinks I have this kind of talent.
     So my mom wanted to paint the eggs in a really creative way, so she gave them arms and faces and paint brushes and had them set up in a scene where they were all joyfully painting one another. She saw the idea on-line somewhere. I want to put them in a box and take a picture. Why is it you can take art and sculptures and they are just sculptures and art until you put them in a box, and then all of a sudden it becomes a diorama. I love dioramas, I can't lie. Dioramas and co-loges are the funniest kinds of art to me.
No resemblance to mine;-)
    I am reminded of my high school years during a time of my identity crisis and self misconceptions. I joined choir and a sculpture class. I believed that i was good at them because my elementary school teachers gave me A's. It must have been all participation based, because my art is bad. Anyways my sculpture class gave me one A and that was on a project where we made a mold of our hand and then had to have a theme. I eat a lot, so i but a blueberry bagel on the thumb and painted blue dots all over. So surprisingly that kept me from failing at an elective class. Luckily i sat by a really attractive girl so there are no regrets. However we had two other assignments that made me realize i am not an artist and that art is flawed. One we had to make a clay sculpture that could act as a fountain. I tried sculpting a gargoyle, but it failed. It looked like an disproportional dog who had come from a mother who married her brother if you know what i mean. The head was way huge. But my teacher didn't like that I had water coming in the butt hole and coming out of the mouth. I could have switched it and had it flow the other way, but that wouldn't have helped i am sure.
This art piece is called the "persistence of time" and is world
world famous. What does a horse have to do with time, and
why is that considered good art if the horse looks like
anything but a horse. The clocks are cool though. Go art!
    The next failure was sculpting something out of wire. I chose a helicopter, because i figured i couldn't screw it up. It turned out good, but lacked creativity as my teacher said. The kid next to me got frustrated and crumpled his up. He had to turn it in that day though, so he squished legs and a trunk-ish thing out of it and called it an abstract elephant. He got an A for a piece of cr*p. I decided then that abstract art is just art that was messed up on. This was the day I gave up on art and stuck to sports.
     I want to talk about choir, but that is a whole other story that is too long to write here. But there is me and art in a eggshell. peace out.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Now I just want you gone!

     So this is not true for anyone yet. Maybe if i date a loony person then there is a possibility. Oh that reminds me of my mission where we taught a lady everyone called Loony Lucy, because she was crazy. She had all of her kids taken away for different reasons, and she spray painted crazy messages on all the walls inside and outside of her house. It was sad but livened my life up.
     So this song is just too amazing to not post. It comes from this video game, but it is funny and catchy and I wouldn't even be mad if someone sang it to me. In fact it would most likely make my day unless it was my parents and they were talking to me straight up.
Dope isn't it? Lazers

Friday, April 22, 2011

Morning Curfew

     So i have been off at college for a good while, but now for the summer i am staying at home with my parents. I built these great stay up late and party hardy habits, that are now killing me. My dad has no curfew for what time i get home and so naturally 2 or 3 in the morning is fun, but he makes me get up at 8:30 to get going on my day so that i am productive. It is a genius idea, but it is killer. I fall asleep whenever i sit down. I have to eat to stay awake, which is not good either since goldfish are my snack of choice. Mostly because they are baked with real cheddar and they smile at me. It really is the snack that smiles back, they were not lying about that one. Not all of them have smiley faces though. And i am glad they made the goldfishes smile, because real ones don't smile and they can be dang ugly. Google found me this really ugly guy, who ate too many goldfishes himself. He looks dead though. Oh and fishes are seriously messed up. First off you have fish
always eating each other which is messed up. They shouldn't do that. Cannibalism is like totally a chill thing in fish world. I would hate to be a fish and always having my friends eat my fins and crap. That would chap me, no doubt. Then clown fish are even weirder. They are always chilling in the shock plant (anenamie) and they like brush their teeth on it and protect it. But why do they need to protect something that shocks fish and then eats them. And why does it not eat those clowns. Then clown fish are pedophiles besides being cannibalistic. They are all born males and then as they age they turn into girls. So you have all these males turning into females like natural transvestites and they are older women then going after the young boys like cougars. It is some messed up stuff. I would hate to be a fish, especially a clown fish. Talk about gender confusion and then dealing with girls stuff after you just got used to a boy life. Poor fish have it ruff. If i was a fish i would totally try to evolve and grow legs so i could get out of that society.
     So I completely got side tracked and what i wanted to say is that i get really tired when my dad wakes me up early. I should have just said that earlier. But I am looking for a job right now and i applied at lots of places, but i am hoping to get a job at a restaurant so i can eat great food every night after work. No taco bell for me!
     I also have been working out and playing sports. I am going to have a slam dunk contest with my old roommate Jacob this fall, and so i have to get stacked. I decided that to win i need to jump rope everyday and be happier so that i jump for joy about things and build up my calves. I need support from my friends to help me win. Then if that goes well, it is Harlem Globetrotters after that:-). Ok my posse, go with joy. peace out until next time i get bored filling out resumes.

Monday, April 18, 2011

My tummy feels fummy!

So today is Sunday but this could last into Monday if I ramble for 13 min, which is achievable unless for some reason i get bit by a paralysis spider and then i could take this into 2012 or a piece of ceiling could fall onto the tab and then enter key. I was boring today though and so no cool "baby saving from getting hit by a train" stories or anything. I did get angry last night or passionate sounds better. I was passionate last night because i got invited to a party for a friend, but i could only come if i brought a 12 pack. So ticked off i went to the store and looked for the worst pop i could find. So I found some Mexican apple soda and i thought "this sounds terrible, and so i will try bring it in spite." So i show up and this one kid sees me bringing in the pop and says, "i love that soda. where did you get it." My plan failed immediately and after trying it i decided it could be my favorite pop. Everyone downed the box fast and i sat in utter sadness as my plan failed. I guess Mexican pop is good after all. It actually tastes like green apples and what i found humorous is that it tastes more like apple juice then apple juice does. So it is called manzanita if you are interested in my bitter sweet pop favorite. So enjoy the sun apples!
Well i am going to drink one since my sister hid some and snuck them home for us. I am proud of her since now sun apples are flowing majestically down my esophagus. Take that party people. Good night beautiful peoples. Spread your wings and join me in the sky of sugary dreams this "splenda" night. (Hint: there was a punn). Buenas Noites.

Friday, April 15, 2011

T-pain is the shiz!!

Shiz means cool, which means T-pain is cool, which means I am cool. I pity the fool who messes with this guy.
I was proud of that for a reason that doesn't make logical sense and so it is not worth sharing. However the picture then would have also been not worth showing, and so i will share what is not worth sharing, which means that it is then worth sharing because i am. So i have to say instead it is worthless, but i am sharing it. I shaved my head like Mr. T to be cool, which is ironic because it didn't do that. Instead i had girls and guys looking at me funny, and judging be for being white but trying to be black, and for adding on my white trashiness by writing one my hands. Also every time i wanted to get across that I was Mr. T from the A-team I felt like i needed to say the words as i pretended to punch them. This leads to the problem of "the" being left out. So i felt like i needed a shirt that only said "the" on it to complete things but i don't and so alas I cut my mo-hawk off. This was the worthless thing that was not worth sharing, but was.
While I am talking about nothing, my Wisconsin shirt has a funny story behind it. Actually it is not funny. Actually i just don't want to get your hopes up for something that i find funny that you may not. So my roommate one day was chaffing (just wanted to use this word) me about how Americans don't know all the states. So he said he would give me and my buddy $5 for the first person to write all 50. So we began and i realized i forgot that dumb song that is suppose to help you remember the states. I knew i was in trouble. I worked hard though and we came down to the close of our time and I had 49 of the 50, but couldn't remember the last one. My buddy was in the same shoes. So i joked saying wouldn't that be funny if I forgot Colorado or something since i am from there. We laughed. We both lost, because we were both missing one. Turns out he forgot Colorado, which we joked about, and i forgot Wisconsin. So I joked after saying i would punch the next person i saw from Wisconsin. Next semester met two girls from there and I gave them hugs and not punches. Then i bought this shirt so that i would never forget that state again. I am $5 poorer now because that state exists.
Well i will leave this foodless, and animal less to mix things up so that people can't say "oh did you read that blog about animals and food?" So in case i don't see ya "good afternoon, good evening, and buenas noite."

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Shout out to my viewers!

Rex kicking Kips white trash
So today my mom was showing me how to use my blog more, which was weird because she is my mother. She is expert, like Rex Kwon Do is at self-defense (a Napoleon Dynamite reference). She is blogging about her love, i.e. my dad. I on the other hand is blogging about my love of self, food, and animals. So i figured since this hunk of amazingness, myself, who has now had a realization of conceitedness decided to give a shout out to the people who read this. I found it crazy to find out that over 900 people had read my blog. I want to give a shout out to the Slovenian, Korean, German, and my other foreign readers. Props to you for translating or trying to translate my broken, sometimes slanged out stories and ramblings. So yay to you all, and feel free to pat yourself on the back, or on the shoulder if you are not that flexible.
     So question, why is it the more muscular you get the less flexible you get. Like the mister Olympia who squats like 800 pounds and benches like 400, and is ridiculously huge probably has trouble showering. I am slightly huge and i have trouble washing my back. I get creative trying to wash that small point in the middle of my back. I want to create the bear tree, and no stealing my idea unless you give me credit when you tell your friends. It is a mat that looks like a trunk of a tree and sticks to the shower wall. Then you can put soap on it and then wash your back using it and it will message as well. It will be like the jungle book when the bear that is blue rubs his back against the tree.
     Like so:-). I also find it interesting how if you Google "bear scratching back on tree" how many images there are of bears scratching their backs. I looked for pictures of other animals scratching their backs on trees and i was unsuccessful. I guess only bears do it. I figure this is because bears are so strong and muscular that they can't reach their own backs to scratch them. This also means that if they were in a shower, then they wouldn't be able to wash their backs, which means they could use my bear tree is well. So i will market my idea to bears and to homo-sapiens. I will most likely sell my product in stores next to the protein powder.
     I just realized how that went full circle and also how i talked about animals even though i didn't plan on it. You would think i was a "vet," as in veterinarian or something, not as in a war guy. So that mean i still need to talk about myself and food still to be complete. Soooooo Cinnamon Toast Crunch is what i ate for breakfast like 15.56 minutes ago and i decided that if you just keep eating bowl after bowl with the same milk, you end up drinking pure cinnamon an sugar by the end, because it all sinks to the bottom of your bowl.
    So me now! I am a bear and food fan. Also i went to my first NBA game last night for the Nuggets and i almost lost my voice. I yelled so loud and wore this tight jersey that my friend Luke gave me in like 7th grade. It fits a little tighter now and it is good it is stretchy, because I like those most. They won and it was sssssssssssssssssssiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiccccccccckkkkkkkk!!! I took pictures and i will try and put them up later. Well i need to go and shape my eyebrows and pimp my hair. I will be better about writing now that i know Chinese people read this, because I would love to culture them on bears and American, Caucasian, suburban, Mormon, ness I guess. So as Spock would say "Live long and prosper" and peace out.