Sunday, May 22, 2011

A sugar BABY at heart.

So i usually have no clue about what i want to write about. I just sit here waiting for inspiration. But that is the wrong word because food and squirrels and how I am attracted to girls of black ethnicity arn't the most inspirational topics. Inspirational thoughts for me are like how "pop rocks" have the ability to make every moment in life better.
So Candy is my momentary topic. So my whole family loves candy I think. My mom got us addicted from an early age. I believe it started with her eating candy while pregnant and the candy flavors had their effect. Some babies are alcohol babies, while i was a sugar-baby. I am currently a sugar adult and I hope to become a sugar-daddy one day. But if i got diabetes that would be horrible. I doubt i will get it due to my hyper-tolerance of sugar. One could maybe view me as having the opposite of diabetes due to my need for sugar in order to live. By live i mean not crash, and by crash i mean have energy to go on.
When my sugar reservoir is depleted and i am running dry, I often fall asleep. I think in high school I would fall asleep in ever class for at least a few min. Teachers would make me sit in the front, but that didn't help. I needed candy, and only diabetics can eat in class. I need to be diagnosed so i can eat in class. Or i might go find a sketchy person that writes bad like a doctor and have him write a permission note.
Anyways. I was born and i probably slept a lot till i could start drinking capri suns and juice boxes. Which some are like liquid candy.
Later my mom would bribe us with candy to do stuff. "Go to the store with me and i will let you get candy", "when you finish your homework you can have candy", "It is raining out so we can have candy", "If you brush your teeth good you can have candy". The list is big. I always liked the days when we got candy just for being her kids, or because we found her secret stash. She would divide the candy evenly among all her children. If there was a skittle left she would get out the knife and attempt to cut it into 8 pieces for each of us. Even the colors were divided even so that I wouldn't get mad because my brother got more banana runts then me.
So my addiction is not selective but embraces lovingly all from the sugar class or from that beautiful point on the food pyramid. If I chilled in Egypt i would just sit on the points and eat from the sugar triangle.
Oh and why is it called a food pyramid. It is clearly a 2D shape and geometry has to be ticked off at that. It is the food triangle and dietitians need to get that right.

Anyways some weird candies are Droplets. That isn't their real name, but they are sugar drops that are pasted on a wax paper sheet. Bottle caps have bettered my life in every way. I don't know yet why soda companies haven't started making their caps edible and amazing. Then there are those pop candies that have juice inside their wax. I think i liked eating the wax more then the juice candy. But all can't compare to Fun Dips which have literally and figuratively made my life more fun. The name doesn't lie. "Pop rocks" have made for some precious memories. And i am talking about eating them, not just the joy i get when feeding them to fish and other wild animals (Jk PETA). The most heavenly after pull and peal liquorish, which stole that motto from bananas btw, is the center of "War Heads". They are sour and literally a war of will power, but the finish line is sweet and heavenly. Thankyou "War heads" for your contribution to my life.
And one last factoid. I am an official pucker judge. Even ask my mom if you don't believe me. But I won a sour face contest with my picture and I became an "official pucker judge" for war heads. With that on my resume who could ever turn me down. Also if you want to pucker for me I will judge your pucker. And if you are a girl I might kiss you if you are ranking a ten and if your eyes are still closed. Just my advisory note.
Well fellow citizens, friends, and ETs. peace out and long live earth and its candy suppliers.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Peace is found under pillows!

DISCLAIMER: Has nothing to do with teeth, tooth fairies, chloroform, or hallucinations(well maybe that one isn't true).
Rain days rock. So sure they are gloomy, but i get work off for the day and i get to enjoy the rain. They don't give me work off for being to hot or cloudy, but i will take what i get. So today I did a lot of important nothing stuff. I paid my ticket for not wearing my seatbelt for one.
The Cop who literally pulled
my car over!
So i have had lot of tickets in my time. I got a couple speeding tickets, one which was 15 over in a school zone, was pricey. I have gotten out of a speeding ticket where i was going 18 over, and one where I ran a red light. Don't know how that one worked. I also have gotten like 10 parking tickets for parking the wrong way in a caldisack, parking too close to someones driveway, parking wrong at a meter, not paying for a meter, parking on a no park street, parking on the street during street sweeping day, and parking on the curb. So now i get a ticket for not wearing my seat belt, which is more like i hadn't gotten around to it, since i was leaving the parking lot. I also have been pulled over for having my license plate light out.
So what i am getting at, is that i only have 2 worthy tickets, the rest are sissy. I want a cool one like reckless driving, trying to run away from a cop, or just being too cool to drive. Something cool. I can imagine Jay walking will be my next petty offense.
So just had to vent some, because I feel like a Coca Cola that has been all shook up at times. So i would rather unscrew my own cap then make a mess of things on someones carpet.
My hand on left.
I don't know why i am bringing this up, but it is one of my top ten secrets about my life. It is funny though, so i will share it. When i was little i used to have panic attacks, which looking back they are a rush and crazy, but they were lame then. So you would be all chill and then BAM a panic attack, where you would panic. I remember running for like ten minutes between the garage and our front room in utter panic about nothing. It was tiring, but helped me stay in shape. Whoever said that mental disorders aren't healthy. However one time i had a panic attack and i thought i was turning into a girl. That was not healthy i can assure you. Then when i was mid attack my dad would shove my head under a pillow and although that sounds like abuse, it was helpful and they stopped.
I am better now, and my illness is gone, but I am still weird. So I can relate to mental illness people which is cool and I can say things like "I hear that", "word", "fo rissel", and "I know how that is." So if you are a girl that is cute and was attracted to me. Don't give up I am normal now with a mix of special. I can say i am a special human being without lying. So ask me out. Cuz even though i panic-ed about turning into a girl i didn't and I am a man.
They are trying to turn back into guys after
falling off the jungle gym.
Good Luck HOMIES!
And that whole thing came about because of a children's book. There was a boy who fell off a jungle gym and  kissed his elbow and turned into a girl. So then he had to fall again to turn back, which hurt. So this "children's book in reality scared the bergeebees out of me. Which that is not the correct way to spell that if you were wondering. Also for those who read avidly I am slightly sleep deprived hence the "two topic, comprehensive blog post."
Well now i am going to go look for pictures that relate, which will be an adventure all by itself.
Peace out my fellow rug rats?

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Seconds of Fat Boys!

    So my regularity in blog posts has been diminishing. And my dedication to naps has increased. These are two conflicting events that don't co-habitate well. But truth is i have not met any weird people doing art or attempting to fly off their roof with homemade wings. I have a huge tarp in my backyard and I am tempted to make it into a parachute. I found this sweet ledge for my final testings, but i need a less big ledge to test it on first. Wings would be too challenging, because i don't think the pvc structure will hold up under my weight.
     I am now 2 bucks and one. That i think means i weight 201 pounds. Which it would be legit to try and get down just under 200 and then always be eating enough food to keep me at exactly that weight and then i can renew my drivers license and put that on it.
     And why can't i say I weigh 2 century pounds. Why does that only apply to years. Or I ate a decade of "fat boys". That is an ice cream sandwhich for those organic people out there.
     So "fat boys" are great. And yes i am going to tell a story, which is better then a musical alternative, because i can't sing. So in my ninja turtle days (they are exist) approximately five waxing moons (the moon doesn't even have hair didn't the people know that before they named that, of were they referring to the man on the moon) after my mother's birthday. I hope this is comprehensible with all my interjections like this one. But I was at my Nana's house on my mom's side and I said "Grammy I desireth sugar" (not referring to the girl Sugar). So turns out the people who work at the "fat boy factory" (which might be tied to an ironic coincidence that is highly probable) live right across the street. This was the day me and "factory seconds" were introduced.
     I am adding a new paragraph so i can put pictures in easier:-). Anyways these things are amazing as all get out, meaning they are the shiz, which means I hope they cover me in factory seconds when i die because they are so fantastic. Definition of Factory Seconds: not very presentable delicious mess-ups or masterpieces of experimentation. So these fat boys have ice cream and a chocolate bread. Which if that came in a loaf count me in for buying that and putting nutella on it. But the great thing about these factory seconds is that sometimes you get 3 or four slices of chocolate bread in the wrapper of double the amount of ice cream. It is always a surprise but never a gamble. Not like a blind date, but like finding money on the sidewalk. You could be surprised by the money amount, but anything over a dollar and you feel amazing.
     So rereading this I realize that this is like boggle, jumbled thoughts everywhere. My epiphany is this. The more sleep i get the more random i get and the less sense i make. So if it makes sense then you know how sleep deprived i am by the degree of understandability (cool word that doesn't get the red line of wrongness under it). So this is backward to how it should be, but here is a glimpse into my brain. If anyone is certified to diagnose me properly and not to hurt my sensings (synonym for feelings); am I prone to ADD? And i am prone to adding (like koolaid or milk to cereal), so i was referring to the mind condition.
     Well home-slices, ladies, lasses, and lads i am signing off without really signing off.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

My Shaq Shank Redemption (in free throws)

Well maybe i wasn't this small.
So basketball is like standing on a two legged stool. I feel tall for a bit before i fall down. When i was in my elementary school days, I decided i wanted to play basketball. So i got on some YMCA team for basketball and it was co-ed. This little Asian dude on my team kicked my trash and one of the girls was arguably better then me. I was average hight at the time, so no help there.
Jungle ball in the finest!
In middle school I started playing again with my Mexican homies. They taught me some cool moves. It was jungle ball so i didn't know what a foul was and to be honest I don't really know today. I just know karate chopping people, kicking the ball, and touching people too much are fouls. I loved playing jungle ball, but it was short lived when Roberto who was my best friend got deported back to Mexico by his own mother because of his bad grades. My other Mexican friend found new friends which he liked the taste of more. Called drugs and 420 became more important then Halloween and candy so i knew it wouldn't work. That left me with the other white kid who had worn a cup to school every day because he had some wracking moments in his life, and this kid was one of those kids that made you loco too if you hung out with him too much.
So bball took a hold till deacon church ball. I was terrible. I was small at the time, and every shot was either a brick or a feather. I couldn't find the happy medium. I also still had the jungle ball mentality and I usually got pulled out for too much karate and soccer in my game. So I hung up my towel for what i thought was the last time.
Then I got tall. My grandma started calling me her Highness, and that is when i decided to go again. I was now tall, so i could at least rebound some and make 1 or 2 points per game. But they had to be within a two foot circle around the hoop with no one around.
I went on my church mission to Brazil where everyone is awesome at soccer and terrible at bball. So i got major excited when i could take up to 4 of those little guys 4 on 1. I got back though and reality hit, so i started to practice lots. I became c*cky most of the time except for these few circumstances.
I was beat 2 different times by girls at horse. I got dunked on by a 5'7" guy. And a few others.
Then working at Uhaul I asked Ervin Johnson on accident if he played bball and turns out he plays pro.
However later at Uhaul I ran into a guy that played pro on the Puerto Rican team. He gave me this motivational speech that you see only in movies like Miracle and Remember the Titans. I was so pumped after he told me I could achieve anything and gave me his telephone number and told me to call him when I became amazing. I felt i could go pro after his speech and I tried for maybe a week. He would have been ashamed at my last game though if he had only seen. It was a Shaq shank.
My latest was at our last bball game when I got fouled and air-balled, no net even, both of my shots. They might have been the worst airballs ever. If any of my girl crushes were there and saw that I would have killed over in shame. Instead it was just momentary blushing and yelling "stupid, stupid" at myself in my head. Then I air balled one more the next time i got fouled. Worst game of my life. Even the referee was mocking me.

But Monday we played again and I shot a free throw that was beautiful. And that was my Shaq shank redemption.
Love you all mostly kind of! peace out.

They cost more then people think, like when
you miss 3 really bad!

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Britney spears is wearing my jeans

So she isn't really, nor any other celebrity for that matter. Celebrities don't buy jeans at target, except I can't really speak for simon cowell from american idol. But I am cool with it, but i guess it is a big honor to have people famous wear jeans like me.

So this is this last video was produced by that amazing company that makes song about dumb things and sung by little girls sound catchy. Friday that one that is totally popular is another one of there miracle songs. Catchy beat but most terrible song writing of all time.
Their two songs by little kids that i like the most is...
So if any of you have little kids that may or may not be able to sing, let this company know. They could earn you tons of cash on a song about armadillos in love or a tire swing with water in it. No talent is involved to be successful anymore. This is the new american dream! You can become rich off of mad skills or a lack of all skills. William Hung proved that, so don't let anything stand in your way of being really good or bad at something. So take your beiber in today!

Friday, May 6, 2011

Demon Goosen

So I started a new job working at a golf course. We start work at 5 which means i have to get up at the 4:15. "It is killing me softly with it's love." I am a night person so getting up and working 8 hours on 4 or less hours of sleep is hard. That means to get 8 hours of sleep i need to go to bed at 8 which means this is going to be a sleep deprived summer. That is a ton of 8s. Also they say we can play free golf, but after getting up that early, all i want to do after work is sleep. Then there is the cart girls. Supposedly there are some really cute ones, but i haven't seen any cute ones yet, but that is what i look forward to every day. Also like 5 people i work with pack dip and spit everywhere. I might start doing the same with chocolate to fit it. Kidding but there are three soon to be four Mormons working there including me, and that makes for good company.
So the craziest part of my job is mowing greens. We cut them everyday and you are suppose to cut lined patterns in them. The first day i couldn't see the lines, so i wore my glasses the next day, but now i think i am just blind. I just guess now when i cant see the lines. the grass is so short i don't know how anyone can, and mowing them at 5:30 in the morning in the dark of the night doesn't help.
Another funny thing is how the plague of a golf course is frost. We can't step on the grass if there might be frost. And if i mowed while frost was on a green i would lose my job. It is weird. My favorite job though is spinning bunkers so they look pretty. You get in a 3 wheeler with a rake on the back and you just do like tons of circles in the bunker till you get dizzy.
Obviously they can be aggressive!
Today at work i was driving a cart and i hear this hiss and i see a goose chasing me. It chased me over 100 yards i think, and that thing could run. I was terrified as if it was a ostrich. I had to keep jabbing a rake at it while driving, so it wouldn't attack me and bite me. I think it might have even had fangs. Maybe it was a waregoose or something and turns crazy when the sun is full. I named it Jacob (twilight) for that reason. I fenced it off and will always watch my back for Jacob coming at me for round two. I am going to carry a knife just in case he takes my rake and gets on top of me. I hope i don't become paranoid and discover something like goosphobia, a fear of goosen! They can fly is what is most terriflying (yes i meant to spell it like that). I feel like i am in that old movie Birds by Alfred Hitchcock. Who knew it would come true. I think i drove home fast enough to loose him, so at least Jacob doesn't know where i live. Tomorrow he is going down! And hopefully i don't run into Edward, his duck friend that I feel might also have violent tendencies. My co-worker just laughed at the situation and didn't help.
See i am not alone!
When i was younger we had a cabin in Island Park. One day we went down to the lake. I was having a jolly time when this happy dog started attacking me. It was riled up and it was clawing me. I tried to run but the dog was faster and it kept tackling me. I was it intense fear. It was a fully packed adrenaline moment. I was all flight in getting the heck away. I even jumped into the lake to get away to no avail. My family just stood there laughing and laughing. They still make fun of me today for it and i still hold a grudge. It was scaring and I decided bunnies and cats and geese were better animals after that, but geese are now cut from the list. Freaking animals!
I would be afraid of this chubby guy fo sho.
Peace out, and if you see me getting chased by anything feel free to help and get on my best friends list.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Going out with Sugar!

I decided today that I wanted to write a romantic comedy short story that would give twilight competition. This is my attempt!
Mmmm, Yummm, love
One day I went to Horkleys to get gas in my car and rent a movie. I was looking at the Twilight movies, when this gorgeous girl walks behind me with her friends. They start laughing at me and I assure them that I was just analyzing the great drawings on the cover. Still laughing she turns her back to look at the movies. I feeling a sudden surge of courage go over and start pointing out good chick flicks she should watch. She picked out one I recommended, and then she prepared to leave. Then I decide a pick up line would be a good way to ask her out. I ask her if she has a trail map because i got lost in her eyes. She shuts her eyes and says "now you don't need one", turns, and walks away.
My celebrity crush!
Next day on campus i RUN into her walking to class, someone else catches her luckily. She then asks me why I was running and I just blush red and realize it is time for my second attempt at that touchdown. I quickly pull a sugar pack out of my pocket and throw it by her while she is busy thanking her receiver for his great catch. She looks back at me and I kneel down and pick up the sugar packet and say, "here you dropped your name tag when you fell for me" She looks at me as if she just swallowed a bug and then said, "better job on that one, but I am a diabetic."
I figured that there were still two downs left before a turnover on downs. So the next day I put on my cleats knowing the traction would only help me dodge any attacks coming my way. So I see her in the library that night and go up to her. When i go up to her I say "Well here I am, now what were your other two wishes?" She looks at me and says, "second is for a cheesy pick up line, and that just came true, and I am saving my third for when I see you tomorrow." I walk away smiling, but i know that tomorrow it is only "A" game, because it is forth down and I am going to throw a hail marry and get her number.
I wake up the next day and put on my Lucky cologne, which is an actual brand, put on some burts bees and my magnet shirt and go on the hunt. I see her after third period and she is sitting on a bench she points at me and then point to the spot next to her. I sit and try to flex some as a gorilla would to intimidate and impress his mate before going in. I turn to her and say "If I could rearrange the alphabet i would put "I" and "U" together." She looks at me and compliments me on my persistence and says, "So there is an "O" between "I" and "U", so what can i do for you." My face turns red as i realize i have just been extended a pity date by a beautiful girl.
So i tell her how i have a problem with my phone because it doesn't have her number in it. She types it in my phone under, "sugar" and she tells me that she just got her second wish. I blush awkwardly and then ask her if she is currently accepting applications for boyfriends, and she told me she is but she doesn't know how long it will sit in the filing cabinet. After she accepts my bet of $20 that she will stand me up I walk away with a smile the size of a waxing moon!
So one thing led to another and me and Barbie ended up on a wedding cake together. The End!

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Tenor or Soprano?

His voice, I mean her voice is just so pretty!
Ditto Here!

The friend category

Alright my mom will softly strangle me for this, but she will be laughing as well. She is super excited about blogging and keeping track of visitors from other countries. So she was telling everyone that blogs on Facebook to add the Flag Counter to their page. Problem is that she missed the "l" when typing and put fag counter. Lets just say people were inquisitive to understand how that works. I got both kicks and giggles out of that.
My creative juju juices are not flowing as elegantly as normal so i figured I would post some videos i made up at school around 3 in the morning. Don't judge me because i obviously was sleep wired. So that is a dose of my on no sleep so maybe that is why my friends like me to hang out with them at night.
So I have been confused on a subject for some time now. And I want opinions on this one since i am obviously lost. Frequently I see guys who I feel are good looking amazing guys and I don't really see it go on the other way around, but they flirt with a girl they really like, and they seem to be playing their cards right, but they slide into the friend slot with the girl. So I wondered if it is because they need to be more blunt in the beginning, but I saw that fail as well, because it takes away the skill in the game. Then I watched those guys playing more backed off, but then they just get ignored. Which makes me believe that some guys just attract girls and others don't for some invisible reason. I feel like I have been this way, and with every girl i try using a new play-book, but I come up dry. So what is it? Does it come down to personality flaws, monetary means, or luck? I know that every girl is different and unique, but there is something in common in this trend that i have yet to figure out.
I also am on this dating web site for fun. I did it more just out of curiosity. And something surprised me! Being strong in a belief, and being chivalrous seem to be way more important than I realized. But it has been a fun experience. I am 6'5" and I have met a girl taller then me. I have also met legal midgets. The dating world is an interesting place.
Not dating for 7 months has been an eye opening experience and sometimes observing things from the outside  without distractions is the best way to learn.
P.s. the videos have no relevance.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Short and sweat

He has the moves, a possible
 "Dance Buddha" replacement
     I don't know why the saying is short and sweet, because some long things are sweet too. I don't know. But i am going to keep this short since food is almost on the table and my taste buds are yearning for food.
     Anyways a quick recap of the last few days. First off Brian Ford is such a good guy to have people over all the time and invite everyone so that everyone feels loved. I have enjoyed his dance parties besides the splinters i get from his wood walls, but the set up is sick and always good DJs in the house. My day do shine has not arrived, but it would be tough to compete.
     I also decided that i don't know how to dance. I tend to keep my feet planted too much and so it turns into more of me doing some form of exaggerated nonsense sign language. I just draw shapes to a beat and flap my arms like different species of birds. This is my cry for help to the Buddha of dance if there is one that can help a robot learn smooth and jive.
     I am good at sweating though and glowing (which is really just a more elegant way of saying sweat). I do sweat like a crazy man. When I play hockey with a helmet on i almost have a constant amount of sweat that comes from my tear duct. So i look all sissy because people think I am crying, but really I am as tough as tungsten nails.
     I have only lost in arm wrestling once to a girl and that was in middle school and she was as strong as an ox in an unnatural way and so i won't count it against myself. Anyways food time!
Peace out.