Sunday, May 22, 2011

A sugar BABY at heart.

So i usually have no clue about what i want to write about. I just sit here waiting for inspiration. But that is the wrong word because food and squirrels and how I am attracted to girls of black ethnicity arn't the most inspirational topics. Inspirational thoughts for me are like how "pop rocks" have the ability to make every moment in life better.
So Candy is my momentary topic. So my whole family loves candy I think. My mom got us addicted from an early age. I believe it started with her eating candy while pregnant and the candy flavors had their effect. Some babies are alcohol babies, while i was a sugar-baby. I am currently a sugar adult and I hope to become a sugar-daddy one day. But if i got diabetes that would be horrible. I doubt i will get it due to my hyper-tolerance of sugar. One could maybe view me as having the opposite of diabetes due to my need for sugar in order to live. By live i mean not crash, and by crash i mean have energy to go on.
When my sugar reservoir is depleted and i am running dry, I often fall asleep. I think in high school I would fall asleep in ever class for at least a few min. Teachers would make me sit in the front, but that didn't help. I needed candy, and only diabetics can eat in class. I need to be diagnosed so i can eat in class. Or i might go find a sketchy person that writes bad like a doctor and have him write a permission note.
Anyways. I was born and i probably slept a lot till i could start drinking capri suns and juice boxes. Which some are like liquid candy.
Later my mom would bribe us with candy to do stuff. "Go to the store with me and i will let you get candy", "when you finish your homework you can have candy", "It is raining out so we can have candy", "If you brush your teeth good you can have candy". The list is big. I always liked the days when we got candy just for being her kids, or because we found her secret stash. She would divide the candy evenly among all her children. If there was a skittle left she would get out the knife and attempt to cut it into 8 pieces for each of us. Even the colors were divided even so that I wouldn't get mad because my brother got more banana runts then me.
So my addiction is not selective but embraces lovingly all from the sugar class or from that beautiful point on the food pyramid. If I chilled in Egypt i would just sit on the points and eat from the sugar triangle.
Oh and why is it called a food pyramid. It is clearly a 2D shape and geometry has to be ticked off at that. It is the food triangle and dietitians need to get that right.

Anyways some weird candies are Droplets. That isn't their real name, but they are sugar drops that are pasted on a wax paper sheet. Bottle caps have bettered my life in every way. I don't know yet why soda companies haven't started making their caps edible and amazing. Then there are those pop candies that have juice inside their wax. I think i liked eating the wax more then the juice candy. But all can't compare to Fun Dips which have literally and figuratively made my life more fun. The name doesn't lie. "Pop rocks" have made for some precious memories. And i am talking about eating them, not just the joy i get when feeding them to fish and other wild animals (Jk PETA). The most heavenly after pull and peal liquorish, which stole that motto from bananas btw, is the center of "War Heads". They are sour and literally a war of will power, but the finish line is sweet and heavenly. Thankyou "War heads" for your contribution to my life.
And one last factoid. I am an official pucker judge. Even ask my mom if you don't believe me. But I won a sour face contest with my picture and I became an "official pucker judge" for war heads. With that on my resume who could ever turn me down. Also if you want to pucker for me I will judge your pucker. And if you are a girl I might kiss you if you are ranking a ten and if your eyes are still closed. Just my advisory note.
Well fellow citizens, friends, and ETs. peace out and long live earth and its candy suppliers.


  1. haha what the... brett you are a funny kid! I'd like to see that "official pucker judge" picture.

  2. I want to set the record straight that Brett exaggerates and his mother did not bribe him with candy for everything, especially brushing his teeth. He really did win the pucker contest. Brett, why didn't you post the picture?