Saturday, October 16, 2010

The block game

So i was thinking about that game really tiny kids play, where you try to put different shaped pieces into different shaped holes. I feel like i am still playing this game. It is frustrating to be so far from perfect. It is hard when you feel like you are doing you best and giving something your all, and yet you still manage to hurt everyone you love and care about. Do you ever get past causing people pain. I just feel like this semester i have been trying to put my piece in the right box, but i can't find where to put it. I want to find my niche. I want to be where i belong, where i can only hurt myself and no one else.
I have decided to not date anyone for at least another year. For one i don't think i am strong enough nor mature enough to date, and also I am tired of hurting people I come to care about. I am hoping that if I am just friends with everyone, and not get romantically attached then my piece will finally go in. I would say my greatest enemy in life is the man inside me. I hate no one else, but the natural man.
So I have been trying hard to keep my mind busy, because I don't give good company to myself. My thoughts found in the idle moments just condemn me to say, "oh what a wretched man is this." But i guess Nephi felt this way too, so I don't have to feel alone. I am pretty happy though. I played bball this morning and it turned out to be a way good game. Ashely my old fhe sister and britney a girl from my class came with, and they did awesome. As for yesterday Craig was a stud, because he went with me to meet people. We probably met and became friends with some 20 new people last night. We just went around and met random strangers. We took my shocker thing and we shocked so many people and we convinced many people that it was for a class. It really was just to break the ice. I met a really cool guy from bunkhouse, who served in Brazil and we are going to become brothers soon. Also we got a pizza and watched the mighty ducks. I am lucky to have amazing roommates who are always there for me. Jacob is sick right now with some stuff, and it is probably because he has been staying up late to comfort me and just listen.
Also i have a new philosophy about friendships. So i decided that friendship isn't a reservoir, but a river. I used to think that i could do a ton for someone, and that it would last for a long time. I thought i could fill up the reservoir with listening, kindness, and any real action of care. However I have decided that friendship is a river. Everyday it needs to have water in it or what is underneath the water and on the banks will die from lack of water. I have come to see that what happened in the past is put into a folder in the mind, and that it isn't always in front of you to see everything that someone has done for you. So i guess friendships are built on   smaller building blocks. I guess each day you have to make sure the water level doesn't drop. I have been bad about being there for people at certain times, and then slacking off and letting things drop and weaken. I am far from perfect, but I know God will help me be a better friend starting now.
I feel so greatfull for the great friends, example, and people in my life. Each person i meet teaches me how far i still have to travel to be perfect. I am greatful to people who have been there for me in the hard times, and in the easy times. This semester has taught me a lot and i am glad I went through it all. Haley was a good friend to me, and helped me see those areas in my life that need attention. She really helped me and she was super patient. Also my family has been so faithful in being there for me.
So i have wrote a ton already, so i will end with saying that today is going to be a good day and i am going to stand a little taller.

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