Thursday, October 7, 2010

My feelings

So these last few days have been tough for me. I almost haven't stopped praying for two days straight. I have never been so strongly tested in my whole life it seems. My heart feels like it is in a vice and my stomach has been sick.
There have been moments in my life, where i get stuck and i feel like i am not growing. This is not one of those times. There are moments before major life changing events in our lives, where Satan gets the attention of his army and they all shoot at you. I feel like i am finally making the changes in my life that will change who i am forever. I feel like Satan is trying so hard to stop me. If I make it through this i know i will really be happy, because i am trying to do what God wants me to do. I have felt powerful assurances that he is there, but then he leaves again to let me face this trial. I have never prayed so much, and i feel like I am relying on the Lord for everything, because i feel hopeless. I feel bad for having leaned and brought down so many people i care about. I know that Haley has been really patient with me, but she hasn't known me long enough to know that this isn't me. My spirits are lifting thinking about when Sunday will come, because all of us live dark Fridays. I guess we are expected to spend a few moment in Gethsemane and a few moments at calvary to understand the atonement. Last night was really hard. I remember praying for strength, and a feeling came that said, "my angels are around you and will bear you up". I now know that angels are real, that God sends help. My sisters, Haley, My roommates, my friends, haley's roommates and my mom have all been angels to me these last few days. And the small things they have done, have meant more to me then they will ever know. Each gave advice that helped me in some way. Each did something to lift my eyes a little higher.
Trials are never easy, but i am greatful that i have a Father in Heaven who loves me, and his helping me get through this. I also know that priesthood blessings are the hand of the Lord working miracles in our lives.
I am so greatful for all that i have. I don't deserve this much. I am also excited for what sunday holds for me.

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